It is 3:50 am in the morning, au large de cap nor de l'Australia.
A man in a long flowing robe prowls the deck of a ship looking for cats.
He knows cats are on board as he spotted a pair upon alighting at Bancock. 'It's the drugs you took' his wife had told him, but he wasn't mistaken, there were wild cats on this cruise ship.
NOw read on ..
Chapter 1 - Faggot and Peas on the High Sea
It is 4am. The rocky and soon to be hot eastern coast of Australia streams by his eye from the southern moving metal alloy cruis ship upon which he seeks stray cats, much as it had done yesterday. All around is quiet as guests sleep off yesterdays round of caberet and bingo. The bottles of Blue Nun still stacked against the purser's cabin, and that Frays Bentons Faggot and peas dinner, who could forget., what a treat.
He trained his ears to the near silence, save for the iceberg free sea that bashed continuously the forged and hewn hull of the behomouth he'd paid a fortune to be on, for any soft padding, or licking noises. His sense of smell, usually attuned to the fare one might find at any michelin referenced place of eating now devoted itself to cat urine and faeces, his eyes, his that had looked upon various continents as well as upmarket menus scanned each dark corner and recess, behind every wheel chair and oap bed bath, every zimmer frame could hide a cat, nothing went unscrutinised. He looked at his Tissot Suisse watch, hand-made in Zurich and reisitance to rain and shower water, it was just after 4 am. .. another hour and the captain would be up.
He had to move, and get on with the daily search. If he didn't find any cats before Sidney there would be hell to pay as he wouldn't be able to ask for a refund.
Chapter 2 - The Lifeboat and the Coxswain's mate
Stop stop, I'm not gay, leave it! Leave it!!
The pawing grubby hand of the cosxwain's mate fumbled with the fastener of the junior apprentices shorts.
Let me in, let me in, I'll get extra ration for you ...
The pair were in the bottom of a spare lifeboat, off duty and very much enjoying the prospect of a mid-winter sunrise in the antipodean uptoipa they found themsleves in.
You've got it easy today. Do you know what life was like for Cptn Cooke's apprentices?! Come on, I'm your senior officer, let me have a look at you ...
The coxswain stiffened, shuffling and incoherent footsteps slowly approached. Lifting the tarpaulin a quarter inch he saw a tall bearless man with thin ankles in a long flowing robe armed with a pair of cat boxes and some pepper spray scanning the wooden deck, like in the Terminator in the bit where he's driving along in the stolen police car looking left and right methodically. The man had an air of a terminator about him thought the coxswain, something wooden and a bit Austrian, with his piercing eyes, like HItlers, and at this time of the morning could signal trouble.
What is is? The apprentice tugged at the Coxswain's trouser leg.
Shhhhhhhh!!
The coxswain watched the man approach. Grey haired, over 6 foot 8, with a set of minuture golf clubs dragging behind him. The eyes seemed wild, if not somewhat derranged. One looked over his left shoulder while the other looked down at his feet, feet that were shod in Hugo Boss slippers.
Suddenly the pensioner let out a cry and lauched one of the golf clubs at a big funnel 10 feet down the deck.
He ran to it, jumped up and into the opening and dissapeared from sight, with only the noise of him, his golf clubs and his cat boxes falling down the funnel into the depths of the ship behind him as proof that he had ever been there.
Get back to work, he told the junior apprentice ...
Chapter 3 - Land Ahoy (Getting Captured by Cats)
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It is 3:50 am in the morning, au large de cap nor de l'Australia. ...[more]